Master Yoda v. The Grocery Store
by turtle1
Summary: The Dark Side pales in comparison with the Grocery Side of the Force...


Title:Master Yoda v. The Grocery Store  
Summery:After 800 years, even Master Yoda has never encountered a foe as menacing as this....  
Author: turtle | jmt@ed-3.com | http://jedi-mind-trick.com  
Rating: G  
Category: Humor  
Feedback: yes please! jmt@ed-3.com  
Disclaimer: Making money from this, I am not...just playing with them, I am.  
Away with your lawyers, Mr. Lucas, I mean you no harm!  
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Master Yoda v. The Grocery Store  
  
Master Yoda maneuvered his space craft off the busy Courusant skyways and on to the landing pad of the shopping complex. As he approached his foe, Master Yoda braced himself...for he knew the task ahead was daunting. "Hmph!" Thought the master, "Jedi Master I am! Get hold of self, I must! Go Krogering I must! Squeeze Charmin I will!" Master reunited himself with the force again, and entered the grocery store.  
  
Master Yoda levitated himself into the kiddie compartment of the first basket he saw, and begins to force push the basket toward the bottle return machine. As he is feeding his "Gungan Blue Ribbon" cans into the machine, it suddenly malfunctions, and begins to spit the cans out on the floor. The Jedi Master became frustrated and began to beat the machine with his gimer stick.   
  
Having no luck, Master Yoda gave up on the bottle returns and proceeded to Force push his cart down the aisles. Near the coffee beans and filters, Yoda spotted Qui Gon Jinn and his padawan, Obi Wan Kenobi, arguing about which type of flavored decaffeinated jawaccino to buy.   
  
"But Master...." whinnied the padawan, "I like the vanilla hazelnut latte."   
  
Qui Gon gave Kenobi an authoritative look, "Padawan, you are making a scene. And please don't pout........no, I can't take the pou-, nooooooo!" Qui Gon sighed, "All right! You win." Jinn held up his hands in defeat, chuckling. "Vanilla hazelnut latte for my padawan."   
  
Obi wan practically cooed as he looked adoringly at his master. "Oh thank you master...can we get some tapioca pudding also? And perhaps a chocolate orange? Oh master, you know how much we love those chocolate oranges....."  
  
Yoda rolled his eyes as he watched the disgusting pair make their way down toward the mangos and brie cheese. "Hmph. Fooling no one, they are. Out of closet, they must come.......and get room, they should."  
  
Yoda began to fill a bag with fresh jawaccino beans from dispenser. As the beans are pouring, Yoda is distracted by an attractive twleik who brushes past him to get some filters. "Hmmmm.......hottie she is. Phone number I should g-...ARGH!" Yoda turns back to the dispenser to see he has over-filled the bag and spilled beans all over the floor. Suddenly, his ears lift in inspiration, and Yoda used a mind trick on an unsuspecting stock boy to make him believe the middle aged Ewok with four kids standing nearby was responsible for the mess.  
  
Making his way down another Castile, Yoda searched for gimer jerky, and was distressed when he could not find any. Yoda proceeded back up the aisle and inquired to the stock boy, who was grumbling as he cleaned jawaccino beans off of the floor. The stock boy looked up at the Jedi Master with irritation, and informed him the store is out of gimer jerky stock.   
  
"Hmmm...says the master. Unexpected this is, unfortunate."  
  
Continuing down the next Castile, Master Yoda levitated desired items off of the shelves and into his basket, ignoring strange looks from other patrons.  
  
"Would you like to have a taste of these new BBQ flavored bantha chips?"   
  
Master Yoda paused to see an attractive wookie standing behind a table littered with baskets of chips. Yoda reached over and took a bite of a chip, chewed thoughtful, then made a grimace in disgust. "How they get so rich, selling food like this?" The Jedi Master tossed the rest of chip over shoulder and proceeded down the next aisle.   
  
Near the canned veggies, Yoda passed Darth Sideous and apprentice, Darth Maul. Sideous picked up several cans of lima beans and placed them in the cart.   
  
"Master," said Maul, "I hate lima beans."   
  
"Silence, my apprentice! You will eat the lima beans. They will hone your rage."  
  
"Yes...my master."  
  
"Hmmm," thought the Jedi Master, as his ears lowered in deep thought, "Lima beans...strong, they are with the dark side."  
  
As he continued past the sith, Yoda levitated a twelve pack of extra soft toilet paper into basket. "Need this I will. Like sandpaper, the Temple tissue is!" After a moment of thought, the master levitated another twelve pack into his basket. "Run out, I cannot. Or suffer Mace Windu's fate I will.." Yoda shuddered as he thought of Mace discreetly trying to Force-levitate a roll of toilet paper through the temple. The padawans still called him Master TP when they thought he was out of ear-shot.  
  
As he passes the fruit bins, Yoda stopped to examine the fresh melons. His claws move over the various pieces of fruit, touching this one or that one, looking for the freshest pieces. He picked up one particularly lousy looking piece and held it up for examination. Suddenly, he got sensation he is being watched. He looked over at young gungan female picking through the tomatoes, who is watching him intently.   
  
"What? Look this melon so bad to a young gungan's eyes?"   
  
She gave a non-committed shrug, and returned to pawing through the tomatoes. Master Yoda closed his eyes, and raised one clawed hand over the pile of melons in the bin in front of him, and opened himself to the force.   
  
Several of the melons raised off of the pile, and the jedi master grabbed two of them. "Hmmmm....good food, yes. Love fresh melon with my jawaccino in the morning, I do."  
  
Waiting in the check-out line, Master Yoda reads trashy headlines of the Courescant tabloids. Pausing, his eyes perk up in interest: "Oh! Meg Rybolt is cheating on her husband Dennis Quadro with Russell Hawk. Hmph! Big playboy is he," Yoda thought. "Break her heart and ruin her marriage, he will. Hmmm! And Tom Cruiser! Divorcing Nicole Kidwoman! Hmmm....." thought the wizened master, "A hottie she is...gay he must be."  
  
After an eternity in line, Yoda finally reaches the front of check out, and levitates his intended purchases onto the conveyer belt. The clerk eyed him suspiciously as she rings up the items in a typical slow fashion. Suddenly she paused as she grabbed a pack of Padme's Wicked Ale.   
  
"May I see your ID sir?"  
  
Yoda's eyes widened and his ears perked up in surprise. "Ohhh...flatter me you do, young one." His little back straightened as he levitated himself to the clerk's height. "For 800 years, I have shopped here. And now, for my ID, you ask?" In disgust, Yoda opened his pouch on his utility belt, and begins to hunt for his ID.  
  
It is not there.  
  
"Forcedammit", thought Yoda, "Left it in my other robe, I did."   
  
The Jedi Master momentarily bit his lip, then looked back up at the clerk. Slowly, he waved his hand in front of the clerk's face.  
  
"876 standard years, I am."  
  
The slightly dazed clerk slowly nodded in agreement, a blank look in her eyes, "Yes sir. You are 876 standard years."  
  
"The ID you are looking for, this is." He said as he hands the clerk his library card from the Jedi Temple.  
  
"This is the ID I am looking for. Thank you sir." The clerk absent-mindidly glanced at the card before handing it back to the green creature.  
  
"Remember my ID, I must," thought Yoda, "Save me trouble, it can."  
  
Master Yoda, with his cart full, makes his way out of the grocery store and breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
"Into formal padawan trials, I must institute this task. The Dark Side pales in comparison with the Grocery Side of the Force."  
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"Master Yoda v. The Grocery Store" © 2001 turtle  
jmt@ed-3.com | http://jedi-mind-trick.com  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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